I have 338 days to go, maybe less depending on how things go.  Part of me says it will not take that long and the other part says it will not happen at all.  Either way, I am done come 2013.  Of course nothing is set in stone, so I will keep on the path.  It really is a forgone conclusion or a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I choose Unity - Oneness and for that I do not need a body.  I am who I am

If I had it to do over again, I would have an Orchiectomy from the very beginning when I was still making good money.  The financial benefits are on a five year or there abouts scale.  If SRS happens before this then the financial benefit is mute.  Finances aside, the physical and health benefits of not having to take anti-androgen and only small doses of estrogen and possibly progesterone depending on the factors of your physiology are compelling.  When you really think about it, supressing the male hormones or female if you are F2M is like putting your body in prison!  Does it not make more sense to change the game than it does to keep fighting?  Of course if you can afford SRS and have spent at least a few years consciously exploring your inner feelings concerning gender, then by all means go for it! 

The last thing we should be concerned with at this point is the ability to have babies.  The world has 7 billion people, do we really need more?  Adopting is the way to go, but if it is really important to you then bank your sperm or eggs and get the surgery that will put your mind at ease.  I recommend the same thing for F2M, get a hystorectomy and a breast recon, then worry about the phallus construction.  I am not concerned one bit about having a vagina or to use the correct terms, a neo-vagina.  Oh, it would be nice and I can only imagine the Joy and Pleasure that would come from being on that side of intercourse.  Having experienced as close to both as I can with a male body I know that sex has one purpose, to connect with God.  It is not about having kids, or anything like that.  It is about the connection to the Divine that you feel.  Sort of like a reminder of what it is like to be Divine! 

So far this year is living up to expectations - bold, dynamic, and peaceful. I look around and my friends are excelling and living their dreams. Success is a common theme and I am happy to include myself in this. The work with the Gender Identity Center is going very well as is Unity in Gender Diversity. My eBooks are being read and well received while the website visits continue to blossom! I feel like my message of Unity, Oneness, and Divine Love is making a connection. 

...I just wrote a long note about 2011 and lost it all when IE locked up... :-(

I just had a deep insight into who I am.  My former self, Steven was the shell that protected me and kept me safe.  Now that I no longer have that protection, Sequoia Elisabeth is feeling very vulnerable.  It is rather scary to be sure.  These feelings are intensifing because I have a Holiday Dinner this evening with my roommate's work associates and I will be meeting people I have never met before.  I am sure it will all work out fine, but I can't help but feel trepidation.   

Safety is a perception, I know this.  No one is ever completely safe and yet we are always safe!  Depends on what you consider safety to be.  Your body is easily harmed, but the Spirit is impervious.  It is feelings that are difficult to deal with sometimes.  I have a very strong emotional body and it often overwhelms me.  And when I allow my passions to express I often overwhelm others...thus I almost always have the brakes on.  Today it is wearing me out!  I pray the strength to make it through the day! 

My one month experiment with hormones has ended.  I am back on the Spironolactone/andogen blocker.  Having a male sex drive again was freaky!  The experience was very educational though and I am grateful for the insight.  I feel so much better about getting GRS(SRS) because I know now that male activities are not right for me.  Being a woman and yet having male equipment is just plain backwards!  All the times I was with women in the past (except in my last marriage) The relationship had a lesbian feel to it.  I had no idea what to do the first time and when we were intimate I felt lesbian.  It is hard to describe.  I just know.  I was like a sheep in wolf's clothing...

Suffice it to say that being free from the "T" is such a blessing!  I feel "right" again.  Sometimes you must feel wrong to know what is right.  Contrast is indeed a gift.  So the other news I will share is that I got a letter yesterday informing me that I am a finalist in the Jim Collins Grant runnings.  I could be having GRS very soon!  We will know after the first of the year.  My slot is saved with Marci Bowers so I should get in fairly quickly when the time comes.  One way or another I will be having surgery very soon.  YAY ;-)

Interesting observation!  Now that I am off the "T" blocker I am no longer attracted to men as much.  Women are looking much better as far as sexual attraction goes.  My gender identity has not changed.  I have no desire to ever wear men's clothes again and in fact I feel as feminine as ever.  My desire to wear flamboyant clothing has grown!  I suppose what one would describe as the "gay" behavior is as strong as ever. 

This is how I was before transition, although more reserved.  I Love my ex's very much and always will.  Women are so beautiful, smart and fun to be with.  Guys are fun sometimes, but often they bore me.  LOL, it seems odd.  I heard this from my aunt and I will repeat it here, men are for one thing, well maybe two things, Sex and lifting heavy objects.   I realize how sexist this sounds and I will leave it at that.  (please forgive me). 

Life goes on....

I think I have figured out my dyphoria.  It is 3rd Dimension Dysphoria and we all have it to some degree!  This is what motivates us to move forward completing our destinies here so we may return to the 5th - 7th dimension.  Just a hypothesis, but maybe we go to the 3rd dimension to build up steam and then make the jump to 7th dimension or beyond?  The further you stretch the rubber band the further it flys! 

I still revel at the power hormones have!  The "T" is a strong stimulent or agitator if you will.  I certainly do not relish its effects although I do respect the gift it is in this world.  I can see I am here to balance these energies, the Masculine and Feminine.  Both are incredible gifts! 

It is much easier to feel arogent with testosterone on board and it is much easier to feel bliss with estrogen.  Since my transition the best part is feeling more and deeper.  My senses are hightened to the point of "wow", "Ahhh", I feel alive!  Be this, I have been alive for going on 4 yrs!  LOL.  And it just keeps getting better ;-)

It has been two weeks now and I am still on the same regime.  My sexual function has returned, although fortunately it has never been all that strong.  Now it is very week, so I can tolerate it till such a time as I can have surgery.  It is better than the dehydration I dealt with before.  I feel more energetic as well, so that is good. 

Today I had a realization while shopping.  My doubt about whether I should have surgery has resided.  I can see clearly now that I am a woman and always have been.  My behavior in the past did not even hide it all that well.  It sure is nice that I no longer have to hide my feelings.  When I get my surgery, I am ready.  I feel feminine whether I have estrogen or testosterone flowing in my body.  This last test makes this very clear to me now.  This is who I am, It feels so natural and at Peace.  I could die tomorrow and feel completely happy about the success I have in my life right now.  It has been a long road and much of it was in a fog, but it was all worthwhile.  Having this tall male body does at least one thing for me, I feel very safe!  With Love and Peace guiding my way now, life is indeed looking very good! 

Just a short note to update my hormone status.  I have stopped Spironolactone completely now and only take Finasteride 5mg and 4mg estradiol daily.  I feel much better and suspect my dosage was too high which made me sluggish and apathetic.  My outlook is much brighter now, although I still feel some trepidation about the future.  I put on a happy face as best I can, and that is indeed the truth, although there are moments...  let me just say this journey is not for the light hearted!  I am constantly amazed by the many Transgender individuals I meet.  I feel you!  I Love You ;-)

I must share some thoughts which have filled my mind lately.  I am Love and I Love everyone in my life, but it is different than Partner Love, their is only one who has my Heart and always will.  Juanita is my soulmate!  I miss her dearly, especially in these hard times.  We have both been through some tough times and we still talk every other day or so.  The connection has remained strong, even through the hardest of times.  I made my choice and I am living with it.  Us being together in this lifetime was not meant to be.  I know we will be together again and I will continue to Love her unconditionally.  She has done a great job of doing this very thing with me.  I feel her Love and I am so grateful!! 

Thinking back over my life I have my top three all time HIGHS and two of those where with her (my ex wife Juanita), our Honeymoon Cruise, Our Vacation to the Mediterranean including the cruise watching the moon rise over Capri, and the last was a family vacation we(my Birth family) took out west when I was 11.  I guess I enjoy big travel adventures and I had over 10yrs like that with Juanita, our life was Heaven on Earth!  Of course that is just the top three, I have plenty of awesome joyful memories.  Not all of them are with her, but I will not go into all of them.  The date with Michael in CA last year was a prayer come true, which puts it up there in the top ten.  It is hard to explain but I feel safe with these people, at home so to speak.  For me there is nothing more important than feeling safe, comfortable and loved!  Mom and Dad of course do just that, and my GrandMother, Aunt Lydia and Uncle Arnold did too.  I have lived a Blessed Life, thank you dear Lord. 

Part of me wants to stop the hormones and just live my life as I am, continuing to live as a woman which I am most comfortable with.  I vasilate between feeling "girly" and "butch".  Sometime I like wearing sweats and a t-shirt, but mostly I like wearing more femme clothes.  I am not opposed to wearing "guy" clothes, but prefer not to.  I also like my hair long whether seen as a guy or a girl.  Having breasts seems right to me, and the penis is just there, like a mole is there.  I remain indifferent to it.  Not likely I will have money to have surgery and I am ok with that.  I am a Male Woman!  My life has been about discovering one question, "What does it mean to be a male woman"?

My empathetic and psychic connections are growing as I feel the pain the world is expressing.  Your pain is my pain!  There is much confusion and distrust in the world now as people realize they have been lied to by the very people they trusted.  Everything is being questioned.  I too can relate with this as I no longer can tolerate the games I see every day.  The abomination must end!  The message is clear... things are changing drastically.  What the result will be is not clear.  I do my best to stay focused on my desires, but even they have faded away lately.  I simply desire it all to end.  But then I know that endings are beginnings, and I don't want that, so... maybe what I desire is silence.  No^where and no^thing. 

Gender dysphoria... it is not something I feel, what I feel is different.  I am very happy being me.  My dysphoria is with this limited life.  I am so much more than this puny body and my insignificant life.  Nothing I have done so far has relieved this feeling.  I think it is a process that involves the entire Universe and I am a single cell observing a transformation.  The connection is strong.  The Love is coming through loud and clear.  It is not from any one, or anything, but from the All.  I feel it from source, it is telling me all is OK, I am Loved.  Quiet your thoughts dear one!  Surrender to the change... Trust that all is well... Be grateful for all you have, all that you are, and all that you are to become!  AMEN

It is with a sad heart that I share the news of the passing of a dear friend, Miranda Jean Henke.  I have not felt this much grief since the passing of my Mother four years ago.  In fact it is almost more severe because Mom's passing was a relief and took her to a better place.  Miranda was finally reaching a place of peace in this world and shared so much with so many!  Her death is both a shock and a tragedy!  I miss her already and will always remember her with the fondest of hearts. 

She was supposed to be at the Gender Identity Center board meeting last night and when she was late, Elizabeth (Beth) called her to find out she had overslept.   She said she would be down in 45mins, and since she lived way up in the Mtns (Conifer) she was no doubt in a hurry when she lost control and crashed off the road into a cabin, which then collapsed on top of her truck and crushed her.  A violent death to be sure.  A tragedy for all who knew her!  I Love you Miranda.

In his book, "At Home With God, In a life that never ends," Neale Donald Walsch explains that death is an illusion which occurs for a reason.  He says we decide when, where and how we die (this is not usually a conscious decision).  No one dies in vain, and each person who needs the gift of this experience will have it.  It touches you at the degree to which your life touched the person who passed!  The more it hurts the greater the gift, both for them and for you. 

Suffice it to say that Miranda touched me deeply with a Love and Caring I will treasure always and in all ways.  Blessings Miranda on your Journey of Love... till we meet again.   Loving HUGS ♥♥♥  Sequoia Elisabeth

It is time I updated my Journal. I am now working as a volunteer at the Gender Identity Center of Colorado in several capacities. First of all I am there all day on Monday’s at the front desk. I do secretarial activities and also provide support to visitors who come by. Since they no longer have a Monday night support group, I am there at the desk to provide this as needed.  I also lead the Tuesday night Transitions Groups twice a month. This group is for those who are serious about transition and need specific help. The next job I have is Secretary to the Board. This means I attend all Board Meetings, take notes, and am responsible for writing up any documents. The last and biggest job is that of Communications Team Leader. It is my responsibility to edit the G.I.C. Quarterly, The Monthly Update, and any and all news bulletins. I help with Facebook and edit the website as best I can. There are two others who help with the website. It has been fun updating the content on the GICofColo.org website. This activity falls right in line with what I do here on my own Ministry site. I suppose I will need to find a paying job at some point, but for now I am happy.  I still hold hopes for a worldwide economic overhaul. My focus now is on manifesting what I need without money. Things are going well on that front. I still need 4K for the Orchiectomy surgery. Otherwise, I have what I need, a place to stay, food, transportation by bus or bike, and clothes to keep me warm. The friends I have made these past few years are a treasure! I hope I have been a good friend also.  Each day defines me more and more, the actions I take or do not take. I am at Peace! 

I know there is one infinite loving universal intelligence and it is all there is.

491 days left till 1/1/2013, This is the day I have chosen to leave this earth plane.  It could be earlier, and I am ready anytime.  I have served by purpose here on earth.  Life will go on and is now headed in the right direction.  I have seen some incredible changes for the positive in my life and expect some more off the scale positive changes to come. 

The economy is hinting at a shift toward true freedom, and is still in purge mode.  We must empty our cups before they may be filled with something new.  Soon the world will embrace the possibility of a Resource based economy that serves everone on earth equally.  It may take a few decades to impliment but it will happen and life here will be very different.  Suffering, and misery will be gone forever!  Pain serves its purpose and is a good thing, so it will continue to serve.  Goodness, respect, and accountablity will be the norm and come easily to all who live in this world.  My Love for you runs so deep, it hurts sometimes to see you resisting these wonderful changes ahead!  All good things in good time ;-)

My favorite memories of my childhood were the vacation trips we took out west.  I remember the excitement of new discovery and the feeling of freedom.  Two of human's most treasured feelings!  I still relish these experiences and find them in new ways.  The most prevelent is transitioning from man to woman.  Notice I did not use male or female.  I have male organs, but my heart is female.  My mind is a combination of both!  Male woman seems to describe me best.  I am happy with this for now. 

The Transitions Blog today discusses transition and what it is.  I had the after thought that I am male with a feminine perspective, but this does not quite capture the vastness of how I feel.  I feel like a Thirty foot tall Goddess and seek this in my God.  Who will be the God to stand beside me, support me, honor me, and Love me?  Do I have to do everything myself?  LOL  Of course I do, who else is there?  God is all there is! 

I am so grateful for the Blessed Life I have lived... I have indeed been given the Kingdom!!!  I fall upon my knees weeping with Joy and Gratitude...

I LOVE THEE!!!

On a more materialistic viewpoint I make an appeal to the Universe, and those who bless its space.  Please help me complete my journey!  I need $4k to get an orchiectomy or if possible $25K to have SRS.  I realize that I will still be me regardless of surgery, but the point is about the experience.  If Jesus can die and be resurrected, surely I can transition from Male to Female.  I can see my body changing at the genetic level, shifting the chromosomes, the cells are re-aligning in female form!!!  

What is done is done, however a new path may be embarked on and this is the way I am going.... On to the Divine Feminine! I am that which I desire. 

499 days left till Jan. 1 2013.  This is the day I have chosen to leave.  This of course is open to change.  I find myself feeling drawn to a certain person I met several months ago upon my return to the Denver area last May.  Our stars are aligned and I proceed with caution, not that I am afraid of being hurt, but more afraid of hurting others.  I have done a good job of that in the past :-(    It is my goal to Love and Be Loved!  Any pain I know is associated with ego.  My Spirit has grown from all my intimate relationships of the past, all 5 of them, LOL.  One more would make six which is a significant number for me. 

May Great Spirit guide me and all others in my life to our Highest and Best Good.  I love You♥♥♥

After some meditation and inner searching I have made a decision (come to the realization).  I have 505 days left!  Could be less... it is all Good.  I have done extensive research into the earth changes taking place right now and I feel it at my core!  I love the quote from Star Trek and the Borg, 'Lower your shields and surrender. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. You will adapt to service us. Resistance is Futile; You will be assimilated!'  Not a direct quote but you get the point, Right? 

I have achieved what I came to do and most of all I am the observer.  The Human experiment has gone well.  I see a great future for mankind.  The role I play is to stay positive during this time of transition and hold the frequency!  The world is literally being turned upside down in this momentous shift to a higher plane.  Human Consciousness as a whole is evolving and it is truly a beautiful thing.  I am so grateful to have been a part of it!  This land of free will stands as a pinacle among worlds of the Universe.  Love still rules here and thank God!!! 

My guide to life, death and dying has come in many forms, although the Book "Home with God: In a Life That Never Ends" by Neale Donald Walsch remains my favorite and most valued source on this subject.  To me death is as simple as water changing forms to steam.  Or a sand castle being washed out to sea.  Pain comes from resisting change!  I surrender to Universal flow - trust in Divine process - and I am grateful for all I have, continue to and will experience! 

Latest update, I have applied at several hospitals in the Denver area with no results and a few rejections so far.  I have also applied with a Healthcare Staffing agency and have not heard from them yet, which is not a good sign.  It is looking like that old life is over and is no longer available to me.  I really enjoyed doing MRI and even X-ray, if this is my path from this point forward then may the doors open soon, so we can get on with it.  I feel a deep need to have surgery so I can get off the anti-androgens.  We only have 11 weeks left, so each day defines us.  I give my life to Holy Spirit so the Highest and Best Good manifest. 

Western medicine is good at acute care, beyond that it falls short.  Eastern medicine is the next step and will heal most ailments.  Herbal and alternative healing methods are next and do a good job of balancing health.  Energetic medicine is the ultimate healing method and should accompany other methods.  We are energetic beings, thus we must heal at this level for it to last.  Finally we come to the realization that we are perfect beings of light and all dis-eases are illusions of the mind.  They are Maya, resistance to what is.  As we make ourselves wrong, ill, or other than our true selves - ripples are set in motion and felt in the form of pain, discomfort, and illness. 

I have stumbled on my path, the pain is felt in my left ankle, my colon, pelvic areas, and shoulders.  Muscle cramps denote resistance to moving forward and a fear of the unknown.  Father - Mother - God show me the way, release me and remove all illusions.  I let go and let God...

Good news!  I passed the Radiology renewal exam and am now current!  I also completed BLS renewal so I have CPR healthcare worker certification also.  This means it is time to get back on the bus.  This next week will be spent applying for MRI and/or Xray jobs.  I will look first in the Denver area and then beyond.  I am open to where ever the road my take me.  I would like to get back in the flow of life.  All is well!  Sometimes things fall apart so they can come together and this is precisely what I believe happened.  It is still happening on certain levels and will continue for another 17 mos.  If I am still around then, the road will be clear and we all will move forward.  If not then I will start over fresh. 

Life is Good and very good ;-)  I feel my consciousness expanding and it is a conforting to know that all is on track.  I am safe, cared for and Blessed in so many ways.  The hike I took on Sat. July 23 was so incredible!  I pushed myself beyond limits and feel good about it even though it was painful at times.  It took me 3 days to fully recover from the effects of the hike.  The result is I am stronger and have some great photos.  It was my first experience of the Rockies at that altitude outside a car or airplane.  Laying on the damp grass and feeling the beauty and majesty all around me was so inspiring and fulfilling.  I felt a Peace that consoles and comforts me.  It is becoming a common feeling!  Fear has less and less influence in my life.  No matter what appears to be happening, I know all is well!

So on to more humanly pursuits.  I take the ARRT registry renewal test on saturday.  After I pass this test my license will be renewed and I can seek employment again.  I will focus on MRI even though I will still have to take this test again too.  Most employers do not require it to hire you.  It is time I got back into the work force and got on with my life.  I desire an authentic life which means simply being myself, dressing comfortably for me and focusing on my life's purpose.  I have been doing this for the past 3yrs and have not been paid for it.  I look forward to actually having some recognition for my efforts.  At the same time I realize that what I have done in the past 3 yrs is as valuable if not more so than my simple career in radiology.  The ministry continues and with money I can make it even better and more effective.  While the day that money is no longer necessary is coming, I am afraid it will be a while longer for the world to adjust to this.  It is a matter of understanding Oneness and Living in Love.  The eBook a Love Based Society speaks to this as do my other eBooks in one way or another. 

Transition for me is almost complete.  I plan on having an Orchiectomy instead of GRS because sex is simply not important any more.  With this simple inexpensive surgery I can continue my life with a minimum of disruption.  I have done that phase and move on.  My body looks just as I desire.  This is who I am, at least in this lifetime.  I am at Peace.

http://originalgravity.blogspot.com/2004/12/god-in-drag.html

This blog inspires this blog!  LOL, It is all good, it is all God!  "Its all God in Drag". Ram Dass

It has been a while so let me update you on my latest adventures.  Not much new is taking place other than studying for Reinstatement Exam in Radiology.  I have decided to renew my license and go back to what I do best.  Taking X-rays and doing MRI exams.  I may even get into doing some Computed Tomography (CT), since it is in high demand now and many jobs want you to do both MRI and CT. 

I still love writing and will continue to do so, however I cannot seem to escape completely the current economic model.  I will also continue working on this as well.  For more on this please see the eBook, "a Love Based Society".  

My talents are diverse and abundant, however so are my limitations.  LOL.  The funny thing about limits are they protect you from "out there"!  In one way they are good and in others they are bad.  It is sort of like having a fence around your yard.  It keeps out the unwanted and keeps in the wanted.  It sets boundries, and defines a space.  It gives focus and meaning to life.  

On the other side of the coin fences are limiting and keep you from growing.  They restict new friends from coming into your life and hold you in old patterns and beliefs.  The fence cannot protect you from yourself!  For this reason I prefer a fence free life!   

My Journey of Love continues!  No (conscious) limits and full faith in the Highest Good. 

At this point in time I will not be doing any more x-ray or MRI.  I have no idea where $ is coming for the test and such.   Nor do I really want a job.  Burned my fingers today, so I can hardly type.  This has been a difficult day!  A part of me is happy - the inner part.  My ego is not so much. 

Did I mention getting scammed in my last attempt to find a "job".  I am now over drawn on my CC by $1300, I owe them 2800 total.  Funny part is I knew it was going to happen, yet I allowed it to.  Go figure.  I just don't care anymore.  I see so much possibility, and yet the world is moving in the opposite direction.  Including me! 

Timber!!  The Sequoia is falling...  Self pity is so disgusting.  Writing sure seems to help though...

" A day in a dream"  The post 
The dream - I am driving a 4x4 PU Truck with the windows rolled down and the wind blowing my hair.  The truck is a soft Gold color with large off road tires and a shell over the bed in back.  The nice thing about this truck is the fuel cell that powers it - simple water giving me freedom to travel anywhere I like for as long as I like.  I am on a dirt road that leads up into a rocky out cropping in the desert, it is a warm pleasant day with blue skies.  All I have on is a skin tight purple tank top and khaki shorts with leopard panties.  My sandled toes are painted to match my nails in a bright coral as are my lips which glimmer in the sunlight.  My lover sits beside me and we are holding hands... passion is brewing.